3 Tips for Healing from Spiritual Abuse

I recently had an article published on the Mudroom Blog regarding my journey in healing from Spiritual Abuse which led to fear of the church. [if you missed it, click HERE to read]. It’s not a club anyone wants to join, yet once you’re in, there’s a camaraderie (possibly borderline cynicism) that is the collective mantra.

Because of the responses I’ve received from those who have survived the trenches of Spiritual Abuse, I want to unpack my journey a bit further to come along-side you if you’re still uncertain about how to bandage this wound and begin the healing process.

I’m not an expert on the subject. I’m merely a fellow sojourner who got stuck in some sticky places of ministry that tainted my view of God and his people. Because vulnerability is the pathway that leads to connection, forming a deep spiritual connection within a church community can be one of the deepest levels of relationship. With such deep connections, the wounds can also be equally as deep. If you’re nodding your head in agreement with your own journey, you’ve probably wondered how you’re going to be able to get past the hurt. I want to try and unpack some tools that have helped me remove the pain and be a wholehearted, healthy person again.

#1 Recognize the person/group of people that wounded you are flawed human beings. Just because someone is in ministry doesn’t mean they don’t have issues. They may hide them better than others on Sunday morning, but they still struggle. Ask yourself if you’ve put them on a pedestal. If you have, try to imagine yourself on the same ground. Better yet, close your eyes and imagine yourself with Father God. Ask him to show you where he is between you and the person that hurt you. How close are you to Father?

I did this exercise during a relationship difficulty with a family member. I imagined myself crawled atop Daddy God’s lap. I felt safe. Comforted. Loved. Standing to the side of us, I imagined the person that hurt me. They were not in our safety bubble, but I saw God speaking to them aside. I felt in my spirit that he would handle that person. It was not my job to judge, retaliate, or defend myself. I was well protected in the arms of God. He placed assurance in my heart that he is a righteous judge and would deal with that person in his way. Even though my flesh wanted to pass judgment and get even with this person, I positioned my heart in the capable hands of Father God whom I trusted.

#2 Don’t take on the responsibility of cleaning up your abuser’s mess. This was incredibly difficult for me. I was trained with the mantra of never speaking against the Lord’s anointed. This included anyone in authority over me whether in family, government, or ministry. The problem with making a religion out of this singular verse is it put me in a very tiny box where I had nowhere to go with my pain. If I couldn’t air out the festering wounds inflicted by those in authority, then where could I take them? So, I pressed in and studied the life of David with this question in mind; how did he keep his heart pure when Saul repeatedly manipulated him, literally tried to kill him, and was insanely jealous of his gift?

I spent months studying David as I waded through healing. I discovered that he refused to let his heart harden against Saul. We can all agree that Saul was 100% wrong in the ways he dealt with David, however, his wrongness didn’t invalidate his anointing. Your spiritual abuser may still be anointed, but the pain they inflicted was not from the anointing. Oftentimes this muddies the water. They use their spiritual authority to manipulate which is 100% wrong. I searched and searched the scriptures to find the magic pill that David took that kept his heart pure. I didn’t like the feelings of cynicism and bitterness that clouded my heart and mind. Finally, I stumbled upon this verse that breathed new life back into my soul, “I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you.”

Let me set the stage. David was being pursued by Saul again. Even though David had multiple opportunities to kill Saul, he stayed his hand and reminded himself to not touch the Lord’s anointed. The two men were standing across from each other from their respective caves. David showed him the fragment of cloth he cut from Saul’s robe in the middle of the night and reminded him how he did not mean him harm, yet questioned why Saul kept pursuing his life. And then he said the words that have brought me so much freedom, “I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you” (1 Samuel 24: 11b-12 emphasis mine).

I’d like to believe Saul didn’t really know the damage he was causing David. He wasn’t thinking clearly. He could only see David’s success through his own insecurity and pain. I don’t know the details of the spiritual abuse you endured, but you are not responsible to clean up their mess. You ARE responsible for the condition of your own heart. I encourage you to seek to forgive your abuser. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. Take the posture of David and trust that the Lord will judge between you and your abuser. You don’t need to prove you were right and they were wrong. Nor can you expect an apology. But you can do whatever you can in your power to live at peace (Rom 12:18). Probably similar to Saul, whoever caused you harm will have a mess to clean up, and they may or may not choose to do so. But that does not reflect badly on you. What people WILL see is how you’ve handled yourself when you’ve been treated poorly. Will you be like Saul? Or will you be like David and refuse to harm the other person, trusting that God will take care of it?

#3 Have compassion for your abuser. It was very easy for me to rail my fists and cry out to God that those who hurt me should’ve known better, should have been more mature, should be helping me in my spiritual journey instead of bent on intending to crush me. I think there’s definitely a time and place for this. David modeled this throughout the Psalms how he would cry out to God in his pain. Don’t be afraid to do this. However, I found that as soon as I’d get this out of my system and begin to feel better, something else would trigger my pain and I’d be right back at the beginning railing my fists again.

In a time of prayer, I began asking God to show me the person who hurt me. I saw a small boy around the age of 5. He was crying, and dirty, and bleeding. He was in obvious pain and needed help and attention. Compassion flooded my heart. I can have compassion and forgiveness far easier for a small child than I can for a grown man. When the pain would trigger in my heart, instead of seeing a grown man, I’d imagine this tiny boy. People who are wholehearted and free from emotional pain rarely inflict pain upon others. However, people who are still carrying around childhood trauma, emotional abuse baggage, and mental disorders can behave like a carwash of porcupine quills to those they encounter.

None of these things are easy, and you’re right, they should not have treated you so badly. Can I just stand in the gap and apologize for those who hurt you? I am so sorry for the pain you’ve endured at their hands. You are a precious and beautiful gift to this world and I’m grieved that your spiritual leader was not able to see past their pain to see you for the treasure you are. You are created in God’s image and even when you were in the wrong, you are still an image-bearer of the Holy One.

I encourage you to take time and try these tips: (1) see those who hurt you as flawed, (2) don’t take responsibility for their mess, and (3) have compassion. This journey of healing from spiritual abuse is a long one, but it’s worthwhile. I’d love to hear from you. Send me an email at tannisoliveri111@gmail.com or reply in the comments below.

Working Through Weariness

In the span of 11 weeks, my daughter married the love of her life, my mother-in-law succumbed to her lengthy battle with a disease, and my middle son graduated high school.

If I’m honest, I’m bone-tired, friends.

The wedding was beautiful. The weather was gorgeous (for Michigan winters anyway) with the sun streaming through the stained glass windows and the groom eagerly awaiting his bride. Several of the guests described the wedding as the sweetest wedding they ever attended. My sons even sang to their sister as she danced with my husband (watch the video here). As I gazed upon my husband of 22 years leading our daughter across the dance floor, I kept thinking, “these are my people” and I was filled with overwhelming gratitude. At the end of the day my daughter said, “Mom, it was everything I ever wanted for my fairy tale wedding.” Not much else fills a mother’s heart than a happy child.

During wedding week we were able to visit my mother-in-law while she was in the hospital. It’s a miracle for all 6 of us to get together, let alone visiting my mother-in-law who’d been given a year to live five years ago. During our visit, my kids were able to tell her about their adventures of living in a new state and the challenges that came with integrating into a new culture. Toward the end of our visit, the kids blended their voices together in harmony as they sang a few of their choir songs. My dear mother-in-law, whose body was weary for this world, leaned over in her bed and allowed their sweet voices to minister to her soul. We prayed together at the end of our visit and knew that if this was the last time we see each other in this world, we would see her again in heaven. Mutual love for the Lord our God gave us hope for a reunion.

She passed three and a half weeks later.

Grieving the death of a parent was new for my husband and I. And I wasn’t sure how to support him as he flew back and forth to take care of her before she breathed her last. We did our best having deep conversations with our kids about grief and loss and tried to help them process their emotions. Sorrow in loss is deep and cutting, but it’s the hope in healing that carried us through.

We couldn’t stop long on the road of sorrow, because we had a son’s achievement to celebrate. As the third child to graduate high school I was fairly comfortable with throwing a graduation party, but let me tell you, it was tough. It wasn’t the planning or setting up that got to me. It was the aching feeling of utter aloneness that hit me hard. Without family support or close friends we’re still very much an island in our city. We have yet to be successful in finding a church to rally around us and help us cross the finish-line of raising our kids. So, we did the best we could and threw a party for my son and his friends. They were happy and enjoyed snacks and sodas, but for me there was a noticeable void of rejoicing with those that know us. That know our family. That know the ins-and-outs of our family dynamics.

Now that we’re through these beautifully challenging weeks, I’m bone weary. My heart is full of joy and sorrow and I hardly know which one I’ll be feeling tomorrow, but I’m determined to continue pressing on. This song, “Praise before Breakthrough,” has been on repeat on my heart and playlist for weeks as I work through my weariness.  

“Now that we’re through these beautifully challenging weeks, I’m bone weary. My heart is full of joy and sorrow and I hardly know which one I’ll be feeling tomorrow.”

This year is definitely one of the busiest ones for my family, but it will be okay. My husband and I decided at the beginning of this year that with so much activity (including my oldest son moving out at the end of the summer) that we just need to extend extra grace to each other as we navigate this year.

How are you extending grace to yourself, dear friend? What song is helping you pull yourself up by the spiritual bootstraps? How can I join you in prayer for the battles you’re facing? I pray you’re able to praise before your breakthrough. It will come. I just know it.

Will You Ever Be The Same After Life Knocks You Down?

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. Take a minute to look at this picture and tell me what you see.

I see a tree that has been beaten down to a breaking point, but somehow fought to stay alive.

This tree reminded me of myself. Maybe it reminds you of yourself too.

My husband and I were recently at La Jolla Cove in San Diego. We were captivated as we watched the cute baby seals frolic in the water while their mothers were nearby sunbathing or barking at them to play nicely. As we walked along the boardwalk I noticed this tree. At first, I thought it was dead because of its humble posture toward the ground, but I quickly realized I was mistaken.

I couldn’t find any research about this tree, so I’d like to propose it has weathered many storms. It sits on top of a cliff overlooking La Jolla beach, facing the vast Pacific Ocean where the pristine waters can be seen 30 feet down. I don’t know when this tree first sprouted or when it fell over, but by the root system I’m going to assume it was once a healthy robust tree, enjoying the salty sprays of the ocean, the cool summer breezes, and the idyllic location of water-front property.

And yet, despite it’s best efforts to grow a storm knocked it down to near oblivion.

Can you relate? Storms seemingly come out of nowhere and break us at our roots, shatter our backbone, and cause us to cry up to the living God “Why is this happening?”

I don’t know why we have storms. I know Christ suffered and through his suffering, He was made perfect (Heb 5:8-9). I know in our suffering we can glorify God (1 Pet 4:14). But suffering can really suck the life out of you and make you question everything you’ve ever known.

I have FOUGHT to stay alive after weathering the storms of life. There were times I was so beaten down by life and cursed by the voice of the accuser that I thought I would live in my pain and suffering forever. But the voice of TRUTH reminded me of my value. My purpose. My place as a daughter of the King and I began to dig down deep. I found courage and began to soak up the rivers of hope that rejuvenated my soul.

I may have been knocked down, but I’m too feisty and too stubborn to stay down forever. My regrowth took a long time. And I feel I’m still crooked in some ways, but I’m alive and I’m shooting my hands toward heaven in efforts to praise God for bringing me through the storm and healing me from it’s effects.  

That is my prayer for you, my friend. If you have been broken at the core of your being and are not sure how you can ever stand up after this, take heart. Find hope. Encourage yourself in the Lord (1 Sam 30:6) and look to Him for strength. He WILL strengthen your heart.

This is Not the Crown I Was Expecting

I was sitting in the dentist chair clenching my toes, trying to relax, yet failing miserably.

“Are you okay?” The dentist asked in her broken English.

“Yeah.” I lied.

I recited Isaiah 26:3 in my head, “He will keep me in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him because I trust in Him.” I forced my muscles to relax and tried to press down my anxiety as the jarring noise of the dentist’s drill continued.

Talk to me. I heard the gentle nudge in my spirit.

Desperate to get my mind on anything else other than the work being done in my mouth, I responded. In my spirit, I said, “Okay, Lord. Let’s talk. Where are you right now?” I closed my eyes and imagined the Lord in the dentist chair with me.

I’m here, with you. I’m fixing what’s broken.

I was getting a crown on a molar that had cracked after I suffered trauma. It wasn’t my fault the tooth broke, and yet here I was shelling out hundreds of dollars to get it repaired. And despite my brokenness, the Lord reminded me He was with me and has my wholeness in mind. Isn’t the Lord so sweet?

As a daughter of the King, I know who I am. I know whose I am. My good Father has promised me a crown.

I’m on my way; I’ll be there soon. Keep a tight grip on what you have so no one

distracts you and steals your crown. Revelation 3:11

Are you dealing with the after-effects of trauma or suffering? Did part of your heart break because of it? Ask the Lord where He was during that time. Let His presence bring peace and comfort to your soul. He has a crown for you, it just may not be what you expected.

I Didn’t Deserve This...So Why am I Here?

In Revelations, there is a passage to the church of Philadelphia (Rev 3). Their city, at the time, was known for vineyards and earthquakes. Imagine the sights of sprawling vineyards with rich grapes gleaming in the sunlight and happy workers who enjoyed the bounty of the beautiful and abundant fruit.

Now, parallel the vineyards to their spiritual lives. I believe the people of Philadelphia were also flourishing in their walk with the Lord because the letter in Revelation commends them for their love.

However, the city was also known for earthquakes. Earth-shaking, floor-splitting, door-rattling earthquakes.

Again, look at that in the context of their spiritual lives. Although they had no control over the ground under their feet, again, and again they were shaken to the core of their being.

Sound familiar?

When I was in a mountaintop season of ministry, life was flourishing, ministry was thriving, and fruit was being produced in every area of my life. And then a figurative-earthquake shook me to the core of my being and made me question everything I ever knew.

Did I do something wrong? Even though I didn’t deserve this, what am I willing to do about it? Will I rebuild my life and replant the vines that produced so abundantly in the past? Or will I close shop, give up, and blame the earthquake for my inability to function in life?

What has shaken you to the core? How are you handling it? Reply to this email or comment below and let me know how I can support you in your season of replanting.

I'm Not a Survivor

A few years ago I endured severe emotional trauma. At the time, I knew I couldn’t climb my way out of the debilitating depression and feelings of worthlessness, so I reached out for professional help.

The counseling helped, but after many months I still didn’t feel “healed.” My heart still ached. I still wasn’t sleeping at night and I battled the lies in my head on a daily basis. At times I believed I would live with the wound forever. After all, the apostle Paul talked about a wound in his side that refused to be healed. Maybe this was to be my wound that I would carry for the rest of my life.

The two-year anniversary of the trauma came and went. I had hoped with that amount of time I would see myself rising above the fog, but I was still experienced heartache and sadness.

And then one morning I woke up.

I can’t explain it other than it felt like I was waking up for the first time. It was as if the fog had lifted and I was able to breathe again. I felt more alive, more fully present, more like myself-the person I knew before the trauma.

It took a few days for me to realize this new awakening wasn’t going to wear off. I journaled my experience. I shared it with my husband. It was as if I was alive again!

I felt prompted to see how many days had passed since the trauma. I’ve learned to not reason away those small nudges, sometimes it’s the Lord wanting me to see or hear something. So, I pulled up a website that calculated the number of days between the two dates.

Guess how many days between trauma to healing?

777 days.

I’m not smart enough to plan something that timely, something that perfect, something that beautifully expressed by my heavenly Father. But there it was, the length of time representing the number of perfection, completion, and presence of the Lord. I did not survive the emotional trauma, I purposefully looked for it on the horizon, I prayed for it, I endured it, I overcame it.

All that time between trauma and healing the Lord was working.

If you are stuck in a murky fog right now, don’t despair. Keep bringing your life to the Lord and trust that He will bring you out of it. You won’t just survive the ordeal, you WILL overcome it.