3 Tips for Healing from Spiritual Abuse

I recently had an article published on the Mudroom Blog regarding my journey in healing from Spiritual Abuse which led to fear of the church. [if you missed it, click HERE to read]. It’s not a club anyone wants to join, yet once you’re in, there’s a camaraderie (possibly borderline cynicism) that is the collective mantra.

Because of the responses I’ve received from those who have survived the trenches of Spiritual Abuse, I want to unpack my journey a bit further to come along-side you if you’re still uncertain about how to bandage this wound and begin the healing process.

I’m not an expert on the subject. I’m merely a fellow sojourner who got stuck in some sticky places of ministry that tainted my view of God and his people. Because vulnerability is the pathway that leads to connection, forming a deep spiritual connection within a church community can be one of the deepest levels of relationship. With such deep connections, the wounds can also be equally as deep. If you’re nodding your head in agreement with your own journey, you’ve probably wondered how you’re going to be able to get past the hurt. I want to try and unpack some tools that have helped me remove the pain and be a wholehearted, healthy person again.

#1 Recognize the person/group of people that wounded you are flawed human beings. Just because someone is in ministry doesn’t mean they don’t have issues. They may hide them better than others on Sunday morning, but they still struggle. Ask yourself if you’ve put them on a pedestal. If you have, try to imagine yourself on the same ground. Better yet, close your eyes and imagine yourself with Father God. Ask him to show you where he is between you and the person that hurt you. How close are you to Father?

I did this exercise during a relationship difficulty with a family member. I imagined myself crawled atop Daddy God’s lap. I felt safe. Comforted. Loved. Standing to the side of us, I imagined the person that hurt me. They were not in our safety bubble, but I saw God speaking to them aside. I felt in my spirit that he would handle that person. It was not my job to judge, retaliate, or defend myself. I was well protected in the arms of God. He placed assurance in my heart that he is a righteous judge and would deal with that person in his way. Even though my flesh wanted to pass judgment and get even with this person, I positioned my heart in the capable hands of Father God whom I trusted.

#2 Don’t take on the responsibility of cleaning up your abuser’s mess. This was incredibly difficult for me. I was trained with the mantra of never speaking against the Lord’s anointed. This included anyone in authority over me whether in family, government, or ministry. The problem with making a religion out of this singular verse is it put me in a very tiny box where I had nowhere to go with my pain. If I couldn’t air out the festering wounds inflicted by those in authority, then where could I take them? So, I pressed in and studied the life of David with this question in mind; how did he keep his heart pure when Saul repeatedly manipulated him, literally tried to kill him, and was insanely jealous of his gift?

I spent months studying David as I waded through healing. I discovered that he refused to let his heart harden against Saul. We can all agree that Saul was 100% wrong in the ways he dealt with David, however, his wrongness didn’t invalidate his anointing. Your spiritual abuser may still be anointed, but the pain they inflicted was not from the anointing. Oftentimes this muddies the water. They use their spiritual authority to manipulate which is 100% wrong. I searched and searched the scriptures to find the magic pill that David took that kept his heart pure. I didn’t like the feelings of cynicism and bitterness that clouded my heart and mind. Finally, I stumbled upon this verse that breathed new life back into my soul, “I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you.”

Let me set the stage. David was being pursued by Saul again. Even though David had multiple opportunities to kill Saul, he stayed his hand and reminded himself to not touch the Lord’s anointed. The two men were standing across from each other from their respective caves. David showed him the fragment of cloth he cut from Saul’s robe in the middle of the night and reminded him how he did not mean him harm, yet questioned why Saul kept pursuing his life. And then he said the words that have brought me so much freedom, “I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you” (1 Samuel 24: 11b-12 emphasis mine).

I’d like to believe Saul didn’t really know the damage he was causing David. He wasn’t thinking clearly. He could only see David’s success through his own insecurity and pain. I don’t know the details of the spiritual abuse you endured, but you are not responsible to clean up their mess. You ARE responsible for the condition of your own heart. I encourage you to seek to forgive your abuser. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. Take the posture of David and trust that the Lord will judge between you and your abuser. You don’t need to prove you were right and they were wrong. Nor can you expect an apology. But you can do whatever you can in your power to live at peace (Rom 12:18). Probably similar to Saul, whoever caused you harm will have a mess to clean up, and they may or may not choose to do so. But that does not reflect badly on you. What people WILL see is how you’ve handled yourself when you’ve been treated poorly. Will you be like Saul? Or will you be like David and refuse to harm the other person, trusting that God will take care of it?

#3 Have compassion for your abuser. It was very easy for me to rail my fists and cry out to God that those who hurt me should’ve known better, should have been more mature, should be helping me in my spiritual journey instead of bent on intending to crush me. I think there’s definitely a time and place for this. David modeled this throughout the Psalms how he would cry out to God in his pain. Don’t be afraid to do this. However, I found that as soon as I’d get this out of my system and begin to feel better, something else would trigger my pain and I’d be right back at the beginning railing my fists again.

In a time of prayer, I began asking God to show me the person who hurt me. I saw a small boy around the age of 5. He was crying, and dirty, and bleeding. He was in obvious pain and needed help and attention. Compassion flooded my heart. I can have compassion and forgiveness far easier for a small child than I can for a grown man. When the pain would trigger in my heart, instead of seeing a grown man, I’d imagine this tiny boy. People who are wholehearted and free from emotional pain rarely inflict pain upon others. However, people who are still carrying around childhood trauma, emotional abuse baggage, and mental disorders can behave like a carwash of porcupine quills to those they encounter.

None of these things are easy, and you’re right, they should not have treated you so badly. Can I just stand in the gap and apologize for those who hurt you? I am so sorry for the pain you’ve endured at their hands. You are a precious and beautiful gift to this world and I’m grieved that your spiritual leader was not able to see past their pain to see you for the treasure you are. You are created in God’s image and even when you were in the wrong, you are still an image-bearer of the Holy One.

I encourage you to take time and try these tips: (1) see those who hurt you as flawed, (2) don’t take responsibility for their mess, and (3) have compassion. This journey of healing from spiritual abuse is a long one, but it’s worthwhile. I’d love to hear from you. Send me an email at tannisoliveri111@gmail.com or reply in the comments below.

Choosing Bravery in the Face of Adversity and Judgment - Lori Clifton (Part 2)

In the last post, I introduced you to my friend, Lori Clifton. If you missed it, click HERE.

We left off with Lori in the middle of a season that held tremendous promise and yet it resulted in judgment and pain. Can we, as believers, stand at the edge of faith and dare jump again? What’s a woman to do when provision does not come as a neat package with a bow but comes with repeated incidences of judgment?

Sometimes in the middle of our pain, it’s hard to get perspective and we need to look at things through the eyes of the Lord to really gain our footing. When Lori sought the Lord about her painful season, the Lord changed the way she saw it and showed her the image of a spider web.

For us humans, a spiderweb is a nuisance. But for a spider, her web is the best means of collecting provision. What lands in the web is her provision. As yucky as that may seem for us, that is the spider’s life. The provision that came for Lori did not come the way she expected. Without eyes to see, provision appeared as judgment, but the Lord didn’t waste it. He tucked the treasure of provision in the middle of the really difficult circumstances. It’s the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings to reveal a matter. It was what the Lord had in her story. This was training her to see the unseen. To look past the obvious and see beyond.

By faith, as a step of bravery, Lori removed the glasses of how she saw her pain and judgment and began asking to see the Lord’s provision in a new way. She settled her heart in knowing she would see the Lord’s goodness because he loves. Sometimes, we need to do this. When the world around you is constantly disappointing, be on the lookout for the Lord’s goodness. 

Not long after, Lori was invited to a meeting where she knew it was possible to see a person who had previously judged her. The long history of pain that stood between Lori and attending the meeting could’ve held her back. The months of being ridiculed and judged flashed in her eyes as she debated whether or not to show up. Sometimes, showing up is the bravest thing we can do.

So, she chose to be brave and the outcome was not what she thought it would be. In the Lord’s goodness, the person sought Lori out and apologized for the harsh judgment. Lori had already forgiven this person in her heart and the words of forgiveness fell easily from her lips. 

If you’re facing a situation that seems impossible, Lori would encourage you to look at it through a different lens. Instead of seeing it as im-possible, break it down and see it as “I’m Possible” and speak that over yourself. Why? Because you have grace for this. The divine influence upon your heart is a reflection that other people see. You are possible because of this grace. You have the grace to do this. You can stand at the edge of the cliff of faith and jump off because of the grace that’s within you and all around you. You are possible, no matter what other people see.

Want to hear more from Lori? Check out her page on Facebook HERE.

Can You Afford to Give This Gift?

I’ve never been a very good gift giver. It’s not that I don’t enjoy giving gifts, I do, but I’m just not good at the bows and packaging. To me, it’s almost like a craft which has never been my strength. Despite my gift-giving deficiencies, I do enjoy thinking about giving things to my loved ones that I know would bring them joy.

There’s one gift that can be given all year round and yet it’s the hardest to give.

The gift of forgiveness.

This time of year can stir up all sorts of old hurts and offenses when we’re surrounded by people. So, what’s a girl to do when there are scabs of unforgiveness are picked at the holiday party? The choice is to continue to let the pain fester or to finally let it heal once and for all.

Forgiveness is not a one-hit-wonder. It’s not a singular moment where you “feel” like you’ve finally forgiven, you’ve finally healed from the source of pain. Rather it’s a posture of the heart to release the person from their offense. It doesn’t condone their behavior or excuse it. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the pain and make room for God to heal your hurt.

There have been times where I’ve had to forgive a person daily, sometimes hourly. If you’re in this cycle, keep going, keep forgiving. A wise friend once told me you’ll know you’re finally healed when you’re able to look back on the situation and feel peace instead of pain. If getting to the place of healing means removing yourself from toxic people, then take the necessary steps towards that. Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing the person to continually infect your life with their toxicity. Be wise about protecting your heart and your family.

If you’ve held forgiveness hostage, then try to take the first steps toward your freedom. In your prayer times tell the Lord you forgive this person. Don’t shame yourself if you don’t “feel” like you’ve forgiven them. Remember, it takes time. You’ll have to keep forgiving them until all the pain is out of your heart.

Be brave, dear one. Forgiveness is never easy, but it’s absolutely necessary to live a free and fulfilled life. You can do this.