Healing

3 Tips for Healing from Spiritual Abuse

I recently had an article published on the Mudroom Blog regarding my journey in healing from Spiritual Abuse which led to fear of the church. [if you missed it, click HERE to read]. It’s not a club anyone wants to join, yet once you’re in, there’s a camaraderie (possibly borderline cynicism) that is the collective mantra.

Because of the responses I’ve received from those who have survived the trenches of Spiritual Abuse, I want to unpack my journey a bit further to come along-side you if you’re still uncertain about how to bandage this wound and begin the healing process.

I’m not an expert on the subject. I’m merely a fellow sojourner who got stuck in some sticky places of ministry that tainted my view of God and his people. Because vulnerability is the pathway that leads to connection, forming a deep spiritual connection within a church community can be one of the deepest levels of relationship. With such deep connections, the wounds can also be equally as deep. If you’re nodding your head in agreement with your own journey, you’ve probably wondered how you’re going to be able to get past the hurt. I want to try and unpack some tools that have helped me remove the pain and be a wholehearted, healthy person again.

#1 Recognize the person/group of people that wounded you are flawed human beings. Just because someone is in ministry doesn’t mean they don’t have issues. They may hide them better than others on Sunday morning, but they still struggle. Ask yourself if you’ve put them on a pedestal. If you have, try to imagine yourself on the same ground. Better yet, close your eyes and imagine yourself with Father God. Ask him to show you where he is between you and the person that hurt you. How close are you to Father?

I did this exercise during a relationship difficulty with a family member. I imagined myself crawled atop Daddy God’s lap. I felt safe. Comforted. Loved. Standing to the side of us, I imagined the person that hurt me. They were not in our safety bubble, but I saw God speaking to them aside. I felt in my spirit that he would handle that person. It was not my job to judge, retaliate, or defend myself. I was well protected in the arms of God. He placed assurance in my heart that he is a righteous judge and would deal with that person in his way. Even though my flesh wanted to pass judgment and get even with this person, I positioned my heart in the capable hands of Father God whom I trusted.

#2 Don’t take on the responsibility of cleaning up your abuser’s mess. This was incredibly difficult for me. I was trained with the mantra of never speaking against the Lord’s anointed. This included anyone in authority over me whether in family, government, or ministry. The problem with making a religion out of this singular verse is it put me in a very tiny box where I had nowhere to go with my pain. If I couldn’t air out the festering wounds inflicted by those in authority, then where could I take them? So, I pressed in and studied the life of David with this question in mind; how did he keep his heart pure when Saul repeatedly manipulated him, literally tried to kill him, and was insanely jealous of his gift?

I spent months studying David as I waded through healing. I discovered that he refused to let his heart harden against Saul. We can all agree that Saul was 100% wrong in the ways he dealt with David, however, his wrongness didn’t invalidate his anointing. Your spiritual abuser may still be anointed, but the pain they inflicted was not from the anointing. Oftentimes this muddies the water. They use their spiritual authority to manipulate which is 100% wrong. I searched and searched the scriptures to find the magic pill that David took that kept his heart pure. I didn’t like the feelings of cynicism and bitterness that clouded my heart and mind. Finally, I stumbled upon this verse that breathed new life back into my soul, “I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you.”

Let me set the stage. David was being pursued by Saul again. Even though David had multiple opportunities to kill Saul, he stayed his hand and reminded himself to not touch the Lord’s anointed. The two men were standing across from each other from their respective caves. David showed him the fragment of cloth he cut from Saul’s robe in the middle of the night and reminded him how he did not mean him harm, yet questioned why Saul kept pursuing his life. And then he said the words that have brought me so much freedom, “I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you” (1 Samuel 24: 11b-12 emphasis mine).

I’d like to believe Saul didn’t really know the damage he was causing David. He wasn’t thinking clearly. He could only see David’s success through his own insecurity and pain. I don’t know the details of the spiritual abuse you endured, but you are not responsible to clean up their mess. You ARE responsible for the condition of your own heart. I encourage you to seek to forgive your abuser. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. Take the posture of David and trust that the Lord will judge between you and your abuser. You don’t need to prove you were right and they were wrong. Nor can you expect an apology. But you can do whatever you can in your power to live at peace (Rom 12:18). Probably similar to Saul, whoever caused you harm will have a mess to clean up, and they may or may not choose to do so. But that does not reflect badly on you. What people WILL see is how you’ve handled yourself when you’ve been treated poorly. Will you be like Saul? Or will you be like David and refuse to harm the other person, trusting that God will take care of it?

#3 Have compassion for your abuser. It was very easy for me to rail my fists and cry out to God that those who hurt me should’ve known better, should have been more mature, should be helping me in my spiritual journey instead of bent on intending to crush me. I think there’s definitely a time and place for this. David modeled this throughout the Psalms how he would cry out to God in his pain. Don’t be afraid to do this. However, I found that as soon as I’d get this out of my system and begin to feel better, something else would trigger my pain and I’d be right back at the beginning railing my fists again.

In a time of prayer, I began asking God to show me the person who hurt me. I saw a small boy around the age of 5. He was crying, and dirty, and bleeding. He was in obvious pain and needed help and attention. Compassion flooded my heart. I can have compassion and forgiveness far easier for a small child than I can for a grown man. When the pain would trigger in my heart, instead of seeing a grown man, I’d imagine this tiny boy. People who are wholehearted and free from emotional pain rarely inflict pain upon others. However, people who are still carrying around childhood trauma, emotional abuse baggage, and mental disorders can behave like a carwash of porcupine quills to those they encounter.

None of these things are easy, and you’re right, they should not have treated you so badly. Can I just stand in the gap and apologize for those who hurt you? I am so sorry for the pain you’ve endured at their hands. You are a precious and beautiful gift to this world and I’m grieved that your spiritual leader was not able to see past their pain to see you for the treasure you are. You are created in God’s image and even when you were in the wrong, you are still an image-bearer of the Holy One.

I encourage you to take time and try these tips: (1) see those who hurt you as flawed, (2) don’t take responsibility for their mess, and (3) have compassion. This journey of healing from spiritual abuse is a long one, but it’s worthwhile. I’d love to hear from you. Send me an email at tannisoliveri111@gmail.com or reply in the comments below.

My Life is Based on a True Story

Living life is like a choose-your-own-mystery-story. I have dreams and ideas about the direction I want to go with my writing, but I’m still not sure how all things are going to pan out. I’ve been writing for several years now, but I’ve yet to have any of my manuscripts published. 

Currently, I’ve been revising (again) my YA novel Dreams that Awaken (working title). This book is about an orphan girl living in Steampunk Northern California who encounters Jesus in her dreams. I was inspired when I read a book a few years ago about Muslims in the Middle East who are serving Allah, yet begin to have dreams of Jesus. They awaken with this desire to seek him out in the daytime. They find him and give their lives to Christ when they realize his great love for them. I was fascinated about the idea of God using our dream-time to infiltrate our hearts and minds with his presence and purpose.

I love the creative process of writing and developing characters who deal with struggles much like our own. Searching for an agent and publisher is not for the faint at heart. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve my manuscript has been rejected. It’s never fun, but it’s always an opportunity to grow. Where my manuscript stands now is much stronger than where it was last year at this time.

Speaking of last year, I’m on the cusp of celebrating my website’s one-year anniversary! I purposefully chose to launch it on July 14 because that was the day I suffered the largest rejection of my life. I wanted to do something positive on the same day that nearly took out my desire to live. It’s been a long road of recovery; seeking truth, healing deep emotional gashes, finding myself again, and remembering my identity as a daughter of the Most High God. 

My life is based on a true story. It’s messy and full of mistakes. It’s silly and outrageous, but it’s mine. I have a vision for what I’d like to see down the road, but I’m determined to not let my future dictated by my past. I took a class by Brene Brown a few years ago that helped me develop bravery and courage. I think she says it best. 

“When we deny our stories it defines us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending.”

What are you dreaming about for your story? Is there anything in the past that’s presenting itself as a major roadblock? If so, what needs to happen to get it out of the way? Your life is based on a true story. In what area do you need to find courage to live it well? 

Find it.

You can do this.

I believe in you. 

To celebrate the anniversary of the website, will you do me a favor? Will you share this blog (or another post that you enjoyed) with a friend and invite them to follow my website? I’m so grateful for you, dear reader. 

This is Not the Crown I Was Expecting

I was sitting in the dentist chair clenching my toes, trying to relax, yet failing miserably.

“Are you okay?” The dentist asked in her broken English.

“Yeah.” I lied.

I recited Isaiah 26:3 in my head, “He will keep me in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him because I trust in Him.” I forced my muscles to relax and tried to press down my anxiety as the jarring noise of the dentist’s drill continued.

Talk to me. I heard the gentle nudge in my spirit.

Desperate to get my mind on anything else other than the work being done in my mouth, I responded. In my spirit, I said, “Okay, Lord. Let’s talk. Where are you right now?” I closed my eyes and imagined the Lord in the dentist chair with me.

I’m here, with you. I’m fixing what’s broken.

I was getting a crown on a molar that had cracked after I suffered trauma. It wasn’t my fault the tooth broke, and yet here I was shelling out hundreds of dollars to get it repaired. And despite my brokenness, the Lord reminded me He was with me and has my wholeness in mind. Isn’t the Lord so sweet?

As a daughter of the King, I know who I am. I know whose I am. My good Father has promised me a crown.

I’m on my way; I’ll be there soon. Keep a tight grip on what you have so no one

distracts you and steals your crown. Revelation 3:11

Are you dealing with the after-effects of trauma or suffering? Did part of your heart break because of it? Ask the Lord where He was during that time. Let His presence bring peace and comfort to your soul. He has a crown for you, it just may not be what you expected.

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I Didn’t Deserve This...So Why am I Here?

In Revelations, there is a passage to the church of Philadelphia (Rev 3). Their city, at the time, was known for vineyards and earthquakes. Imagine the sights of sprawling vineyards with rich grapes gleaming in the sunlight and happy workers who enjoyed the bounty of the beautiful and abundant fruit.

Now, parallel the vineyards to their spiritual lives. I believe the people of Philadelphia were also flourishing in their walk with the Lord because the letter in Revelation commends them for their love.

However, the city was also known for earthquakes. Earth-shaking, floor-splitting, door-rattling earthquakes.

Again, look at that in the context of their spiritual lives. Although they had no control over the ground under their feet, again, and again they were shaken to the core of their being.

Sound familiar?

When I was in a mountaintop season of ministry, life was flourishing, ministry was thriving, and fruit was being produced in every area of my life. And then a figurative-earthquake shook me to the core of my being and made me question everything I ever knew.

Did I do something wrong? Even though I didn’t deserve this, what am I willing to do about it? Will I rebuild my life and replant the vines that produced so abundantly in the past? Or will I close shop, give up, and blame the earthquake for my inability to function in life?

What has shaken you to the core? How are you handling it? Reply to this email or comment below and let me know how I can support you in your season of replanting.

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I'm Not a Survivor

A few years ago I endured severe emotional trauma. At the time, I knew I couldn’t climb my way out of the debilitating depression and feelings of worthlessness, so I reached out for professional help.

The counseling helped, but after many months I still didn’t feel “healed.” My heart still ached. I still wasn’t sleeping at night and I battled the lies in my head on a daily basis. At times I believed I would live with the wound forever. After all, the apostle Paul talked about a wound in his side that refused to be healed. Maybe this was to be my wound that I would carry for the rest of my life.

The two-year anniversary of the trauma came and went. I had hoped with that amount of time I would see myself rising above the fog, but I was still experienced heartache and sadness.

And then one morning I woke up.

I can’t explain it other than it felt like I was waking up for the first time. It was as if the fog had lifted and I was able to breathe again. I felt more alive, more fully present, more like myself-the person I knew before the trauma.

It took a few days for me to realize this new awakening wasn’t going to wear off. I journaled my experience. I shared it with my husband. It was as if I was alive again!

I felt prompted to see how many days had passed since the trauma. I’ve learned to not reason away those small nudges, sometimes it’s the Lord wanting me to see or hear something. So, I pulled up a website that calculated the number of days between the two dates.

Guess how many days between trauma to healing?

777 days.

I’m not smart enough to plan something that timely, something that perfect, something that beautifully expressed by my heavenly Father. But there it was, the length of time representing the number of perfection, completion, and presence of the Lord. I did not survive the emotional trauma, I purposefully looked for it on the horizon, I prayed for it, I endured it, I overcame it.

All that time between trauma and healing the Lord was working.

If you are stuck in a murky fog right now, don’t despair. Keep bringing your life to the Lord and trust that He will bring you out of it. You won’t just survive the ordeal, you WILL overcome it.  

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