I recently had an article published on the Mudroom Blog regarding my journey in healing from Spiritual Abuse which led to fear of the church. [if you missed it, click HERE to read]. It’s not a club anyone wants to join, yet once you’re in, there’s a camaraderie (possibly borderline cynicism) that is the collective mantra.
Because of the responses I’ve received from those who have survived the trenches of Spiritual Abuse, I want to unpack my journey a bit further to come along-side you if you’re still uncertain about how to bandage this wound and begin the healing process.
I’m not an expert on the subject. I’m merely a fellow sojourner who got stuck in some sticky places of ministry that tainted my view of God and his people. Because vulnerability is the pathway that leads to connection, forming a deep spiritual connection within a church community can be one of the deepest levels of relationship. With such deep connections, the wounds can also be equally as deep. If you’re nodding your head in agreement with your own journey, you’ve probably wondered how you’re going to be able to get past the hurt. I want to try and unpack some tools that have helped me remove the pain and be a wholehearted, healthy person again.
#1 Recognize the person/group of people that wounded you are flawed human beings. Just because someone is in ministry doesn’t mean they don’t have issues. They may hide them better than others on Sunday morning, but they still struggle. Ask yourself if you’ve put them on a pedestal. If you have, try to imagine yourself on the same ground. Better yet, close your eyes and imagine yourself with Father God. Ask him to show you where he is between you and the person that hurt you. How close are you to Father?
I did this exercise during a relationship difficulty with a family member. I imagined myself crawled atop Daddy God’s lap. I felt safe. Comforted. Loved. Standing to the side of us, I imagined the person that hurt me. They were not in our safety bubble, but I saw God speaking to them aside. I felt in my spirit that he would handle that person. It was not my job to judge, retaliate, or defend myself. I was well protected in the arms of God. He placed assurance in my heart that he is a righteous judge and would deal with that person in his way. Even though my flesh wanted to pass judgment and get even with this person, I positioned my heart in the capable hands of Father God whom I trusted.
#2 Don’t take on the responsibility of cleaning up your abuser’s mess. This was incredibly difficult for me. I was trained with the mantra of never speaking against the Lord’s anointed. This included anyone in authority over me whether in family, government, or ministry. The problem with making a religion out of this singular verse is it put me in a very tiny box where I had nowhere to go with my pain. If I couldn’t air out the festering wounds inflicted by those in authority, then where could I take them? So, I pressed in and studied the life of David with this question in mind; how did he keep his heart pure when Saul repeatedly manipulated him, literally tried to kill him, and was insanely jealous of his gift?
I spent months studying David as I waded through healing. I discovered that he refused to let his heart harden against Saul. We can all agree that Saul was 100% wrong in the ways he dealt with David, however, his wrongness didn’t invalidate his anointing. Your spiritual abuser may still be anointed, but the pain they inflicted was not from the anointing. Oftentimes this muddies the water. They use their spiritual authority to manipulate which is 100% wrong. I searched and searched the scriptures to find the magic pill that David took that kept his heart pure. I didn’t like the feelings of cynicism and bitterness that clouded my heart and mind. Finally, I stumbled upon this verse that breathed new life back into my soul, “I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you.”
Let me set the stage. David was being pursued by Saul again. Even though David had multiple opportunities to kill Saul, he stayed his hand and reminded himself to not touch the Lord’s anointed. The two men were standing across from each other from their respective caves. David showed him the fragment of cloth he cut from Saul’s robe in the middle of the night and reminded him how he did not mean him harm, yet questioned why Saul kept pursuing his life. And then he said the words that have brought me so much freedom, “I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you” (1 Samuel 24: 11b-12 emphasis mine).
I’d like to believe Saul didn’t really know the damage he was causing David. He wasn’t thinking clearly. He could only see David’s success through his own insecurity and pain. I don’t know the details of the spiritual abuse you endured, but you are not responsible to clean up their mess. You ARE responsible for the condition of your own heart. I encourage you to seek to forgive your abuser. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. Take the posture of David and trust that the Lord will judge between you and your abuser. You don’t need to prove you were right and they were wrong. Nor can you expect an apology. But you can do whatever you can in your power to live at peace (Rom 12:18). Probably similar to Saul, whoever caused you harm will have a mess to clean up, and they may or may not choose to do so. But that does not reflect badly on you. What people WILL see is how you’ve handled yourself when you’ve been treated poorly. Will you be like Saul? Or will you be like David and refuse to harm the other person, trusting that God will take care of it?
#3 Have compassion for your abuser. It was very easy for me to rail my fists and cry out to God that those who hurt me should’ve known better, should have been more mature, should be helping me in my spiritual journey instead of bent on intending to crush me. I think there’s definitely a time and place for this. David modeled this throughout the Psalms how he would cry out to God in his pain. Don’t be afraid to do this. However, I found that as soon as I’d get this out of my system and begin to feel better, something else would trigger my pain and I’d be right back at the beginning railing my fists again.
In a time of prayer, I began asking God to show me the person who hurt me. I saw a small boy around the age of 5. He was crying, and dirty, and bleeding. He was in obvious pain and needed help and attention. Compassion flooded my heart. I can have compassion and forgiveness far easier for a small child than I can for a grown man. When the pain would trigger in my heart, instead of seeing a grown man, I’d imagine this tiny boy. People who are wholehearted and free from emotional pain rarely inflict pain upon others. However, people who are still carrying around childhood trauma, emotional abuse baggage, and mental disorders can behave like a carwash of porcupine quills to those they encounter.
None of these things are easy, and you’re right, they should not have treated you so badly. Can I just stand in the gap and apologize for those who hurt you? I am so sorry for the pain you’ve endured at their hands. You are a precious and beautiful gift to this world and I’m grieved that your spiritual leader was not able to see past their pain to see you for the treasure you are. You are created in God’s image and even when you were in the wrong, you are still an image-bearer of the Holy One.
I encourage you to take time and try these tips: (1) see those who hurt you as flawed, (2) don’t take responsibility for their mess, and (3) have compassion. This journey of healing from spiritual abuse is a long one, but it’s worthwhile. I’d love to hear from you. Send me an email at tannisoliveri111@gmail.com or reply in the comments below.